Putting it all out there...(its a long one!)

 nI just typed out this long blog and erased it all! My lordy! Here we go again...

NOTE: I am really putting it all out there. I am going to say it all. If you arent ready to hear it or accept it, dont read it. Simple!
Ready? Buckle up!

So I really had to think hard about whether I was going to continue to blog. After my first few blogs, I received a few negative comments back. I just wasnt prepared for that. However, after much thought I have decided that I am ready to hear it all. Here is why:
- i am in my 30s. Should I really care what others think?  The sad part is that I really do care what others think of me. I just love people and love to be around them, always have. I care so much what others think about me. I am not getting any younger, should I really care what others judgement of me is?
- Most of the time, (positive) criticism is helpful. It helps me improve parts of my life, and work on things that are not so happy. It also helps me see how I come across to other people. No one is perfect, and no one will ever be...but there is no reason I cant work towards it, right?
- Its always good to hear the great responses. Its a confidence booster!
-what have a got to lose?
-Its a great way to connect with others and vent.

so here we go...I am going to put this out there. So after my first few blogs, I got some responses about how depressing my blogs were and I have to agree. HOWEVER: That is a big part of my life (depression. more on that in a second...) and its real and I am not going to lie or pretend that my life is something that it isnt. One of my biggest pet peeves (sorry if any of you do/did this ;) ) is when people post things on facebook that are obviously fake. For example, "I am sooo blessed and love my life so much. Nothing ever goes wrong. I see rainbows and butterflies all day long and have the perfect little life. My kids never do wrong and I never yell at them. I have the best husband who I never ever fight with." Ok, that was little exaggerated, but you get the point! You will never see that in my status and if you do you have my permission to smack me back into reality. Dont get me wrong, I think happy posts are great. If you are feeling blessed that day, put it in your status. I will always be happy for you. But if you put it in your status every single day....you are crazy. Its not true. If you dont want people to know that you arent having a great day, dont post!
Ok, i got off track! So the whole depression thing. Yes, I have been battling with depression for quite some time now. Not many people know this. If they do know this, they dont know the extent of it. If you are just finding this out, welcome to the world of Megan! Its hard to explain exactly what its like and I am not sure I am ready to tell all the stories. Depression is like a rollar coaster. There are days when everything is good. I can handle it all. then there are days where isnt not easy. I become anxiety driven, emotional, angry, antisocial, tired, hurt, and very insecure. One of my flaws is my insecurity. I tend to think that no one likes me or wants to be around me. I feel very alone alot of the times. I am insecure with my looks and my weight. I worry how I look to others. I worry about whether I am a good mommy or if I am royally screwing it all up! With all of this comes the anxiety! I also tend to get very emotional and overly so....whether its crying or just down on myself. Its almost always silly and I am over reactting way to much. However, its how I feel and its hard to see outside that box when you are in it.
So before I end this blog, I wanted to say how greatful I am for all the encouraging comments on continuing my blog. Its nice to know that you care even if I havent talked to you since 8th grade! I am sitting at parena bread. I ordered a coffee and a bagel sandwich! YUMMY! I have decided to put the kids in preschool/childrens day out, each thursday and do something for myself during that time. Whether its the grocery store, sleeping, panera, ect., its going to be something I like or want to do. Its "Megan" time!

P.S. My little Charlie-bear stood up on her own right in the middle of the floor today. Nothing was there to help her. Walking is just around the corner for her...I will say I thank God every day for giving me the little girl I longed for. I now feel complete when it comes to my children. They all drive me nuts, but I couldnt say who I would trade-in ;). Caleb told me I smelled pretty this morning...good thing I put on deoderant! Jackson told me he wanted to poke me. Such a loving boy! Riley went to school and doesnt wave or say goodbye. I take that as him really liking first grade or just wanted to get away from me!
Hope you all have a wonderful day and weekend!  All and any kind of comment is welcome on my blogs. I encourage you to put it out there too. I feel better now!